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[10 Jul 2009|10:16pm] |
This has been a pretty weak trip compared to memory.
Speaking of memory, that's what got me on this subject in the first place...
To start off, I remembered how much my mind likes text in this state... So I opened up the largest text file I had readily available, a livejournal post/response from idalia from february 2004...
massive amounts of text..
maybe not the best idea, because one thing about that much writing is that, no matter how much fun it is to look at the patterns and the shapes they make, the words themselves hold a lot of meaning and you eventually just gotta see what those words are saying...
and yea, through a lot of this trip, i have been going back through that time anyways...
which is very funny.
that whole huge post i had written back then was all about how much i disliked something about being at UNF... and how much i just wanted to be back in miami, with the high school friends and vibes and all that...
and here i am now, back in miami, and wouldn't you know it, i'm looking right back at that as if in a big hallway mirror, seeing who i was back then, jealous of what he had, while he is looking at another mirror even further back wishing he was where he was then.. and i'm sure that last one is looking somewhere in the past, too to what he wished he was at the beginning somehow..
but i think it all about stops around 9th/10th grade.. that was the last stop of the 'what-i-remember-and-liked' chain... goin further doesn't really do much more for me...
but it's essentially that feeling of first getting a car, first having the freedom to go and do what you wanted, and the friendships and autonomy to pick them up and go on our own adventures around wherever we wanted..
and much like i said back in 2004, this is the point where we all have the most freedom with our lives... but now, i see what happened since then, and see that the freedom i felt then didn't last long...
i was feeling the last bit of what i had before my parents set off to hawaii and found their lives' dreams there... and then so, at the end of that cycle, my plan of having no destination and having total freedom was placed on the backburner, due in large part to my inability to say 'no', and also because i had no other better plan going on at the time....
i've turned myself into such a 'i don't need anyone else' kind of person over the years, and now that i have so many people around me, i don't allow myself to feel the 'need' of having any of them around..
they're all incidentals..
i don't make super strong friendships with any of them...
sad thing is, i think it's one sided on my side.
i can see how to many of them, i could be considered a best friend, but that's not me.
even people that have been in my life for over a decade, i still hold a lot of people at a distance... is this what life does, it just weeds things out and sepparates people off onto their own journeys that their destiny is taking them to?
cuz that makes sense... we're all so close and tight at the beginning but as things go, much like the radiating lines of a sun at sunrise or sunset, they begin from one place but are all on journeys to much further away destinations, all separate and growing in distance from oneanother.. why do we feel like we are any different, or that we should be any different?
for a short time we make lines connecting other rays, but only when it is mutually beneficial.. otherwise, we are already on our path somewhere else, regardless of if anyone else comes with us...
i can see how i used to be able to feel lonely at this point.
i wanna say it's been so long that i can't even remember the real feeling of emotional relationship, but how sad is it that i was just going out with stacey for 3 months, only a few months ago...
i do think i've forgotten what a relationship feels like, or i must have..
because otherwise, why would i not miss it at all, or feel the immense desire to be in one like i used to be..
i used to look at everyone as wanting to have a relationship with them.
and not even that long ago.
i remember writing here and telling david that 'i don't want to want to want someone'... i'm sure i could look back up at that post to see all the further meaning i had for it, but yea... i kept wanting to want someone.. and now it's come true, i don't really care about that anymore.
maybe that's why i don't really care about making anything new happen anymore... or maybe that's my excuse for my inability to authentically connect with someone else. i just tell myself that i don't even want to want them, or want them period...
i don't know.
i still don't know.
this has been a 30-minute post already.. i forget how the time just flies by when i write.
compared to how much i used to write (my 4-a-day post-a-thons from early college years) i hardly ever write anymore..
that's another thing i told myself to quit and so i did.
stop writing through your emotions..
funny thing is that the only problem with that is that now i just don't do emotions.. rather than find ways to express my emotions verbally to someone else, i just stopped having them.
writing is still my chosed method of getting my ideas out, moreso than conversation and all that, because i have such control over it... i can backspace when i change my mind, i can take awahile to find the right word i'm looking for, etc.
talking goes way too fast, and i'm one that likes to take time when thinking about things that are serious, cuz that is what i'm used to. i'm used to planning out responses and planned out letters to special people. that's me.
and now that i don't do that anymore, cuz i decided i didn't wanna be that, me is gone.
but i'm still living.
and i'm still enjoying life in a certain respect, but it's just different i suppose.
things don't mean much.
i just do things.
i have a schedule.
i go rockclimbing monday, wednesday, and friday.
i play ultimate frisbee tuesdays and thursdays.
on saturdays and sundays, i kayak.
i make exceptions when something else comes up, but when they do, i just go with them.
there's no longer an emotional investment in the things i do.
somehow i've distanced myself from that.
or it's distanced itself from me.
or there just isn't anything worth becoming emotionally invested in.
there's plenty of pretty faces in miami, but so what.
there's got to be more than this. there's got to be more than what i thought exists.
these shrooms were lame... lol.
i wanted to have some crazy adventure through the looking glass at shifting shapes and colors and carnavals and catastrophes and all i got was this trip right back down memory lane.
i chilled out in my man-cave for a little bit, turned up the music and drew.. then turned off the music and looked at my drawings, it was cool and all, the pulsating of the textures and all that, but i just kept rocking back into my own mind.
i went off onto the deck and looked up at the sky, the shapes of the clouds in it, remembered being there last time when des called, and was thinking about where he was a year ago and where i was... he's moved, he's doing something new and exciting. and i'm still here, doing essentially the same thing i was then.
i was thinking about that freedom.
to just go.
i haven't done that in awhile.
not since leaving to jacksonville about 6 years ago.
going to gainesville was the first step in going back to miami. it was looking backwards rather than forward... but seeing what i was writing in 2004, i shouldn't be surprised that i was looking backwards...
but i should have been looking forward.
forward is what got me to jax. what got me experiencing something new, something different, more powerful emotions, higher highs and lower lows and all that jazz......
but i'm in miami now.
and have been for 2 years already.
essentially 2 more years in my 'contract'.
the one that i said myself i see going on for awhile longer.
because i love this town and the friendships i have and the feelings.
but those friendships are fading.
or better yet, they're moving on.
first there was javi, then david, then tiffany, then all the others... now buigas is setting off to a new place... alex will probably go somewhere soon too.
i have gambit and ozz... and the other side-friends that come and go on occasion.
is it that i'm afraid to love again or some shit?
what am i doing?
i'm getting by just fine.
i do get weird sometimes though.
i get in moods.
i'm sure i'll revisit this post again awhile down the road and reflect on what point i was at in life then...
i see myself as this guy who's got it all together, some sort of new york wall street invester guy that knows exactly who he is and what he wants, and i see him looking back at this and laughing slightly at who he used to be...
maybe next time i go out, i will put on that persona. that i am that guy, the one that scoffs at this... and just see what happens with that.
cuz apparently, being me, down here, at this point in life, doesn't make things happen like it did in UNF... people don't just walk into your life anymore and set up shop like they do in college.. here, you have to go out and seek them and convince them that yours is a life worth getting into... and i believe i have that, i just need to find my way of articulating that in a way that doesn't involve writing them a letter and telling them to read it and respond with their thoughts.
cuz that's what i used to do.
and apparently, that's what i still do.
hmph.
and so, it's now 11:23pm, and i have been writing this post off-and-on for an hour and seven minutes.
phew.
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[10 Jul 2009|07:56pm] |
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off on trip
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| Summer 2009 |
[29 Jun 2009|10:20pm] |
Summer.
The Season.
Full of amazing past memories and pictures to document it all.
But what happens when life isn't like that anymore and you can't seem to bridge the gap of what happened between then and now and why the then can't still exist now.
I continue to see my friend group get worn away by the shifting sands and erosion brought about by the various effecting distances that develop... relationships, ongoing education, occupations, etc., either taking away my core group of friends either physically or mentally or otherwise.
I have my schedule of what to do for every day... but right now, for today, that is giving me no comfort. For I have had a past of even greater schedule.
For the first summer time during a summer without my parents around, I have zero desire to throw a party.
The main reason for this is that I don't have a very strong guestlist in mind for who would actually come anymore.
Such a large group of my friends I used to hang out or talk with often are on the far edge of my contact list these days, and even then, the dynamics of the groups are so different now that it is no longer something that I would consider enjoyable.
And it's not like I haven't been drinking or anything.
In fact, it might just be the opposite. I've been drinking more, slightly... however, it is with a smaller group of people and we're much less responsible when we do it. I think this weighs on me, too. I used to just drink when I would go out to a party or have a small group over. Now if it's even just me and Alex, or with Alex and Ozz, we'll just get wasted, for no reason aside from the notion that that's what we're supposed to do.
I've had more hangovers so far this summer than any previous summer, I'm pretty sure... but I don't have all the amazing positive memories like I got from the other ones in previous years.
I suppose it could be our excuse to get out of what we know is a pretty boring life situation we've got going for ourselves.
I need to meet new people.
I'm working at it. Doing a lot of research and personality building exercises, because I have realized that I do need help if I want to get out of this rut.
At the same time, though, I see that the vast majority of my friends are in the same boat as me, having largely the only same friends they've known since at least high school, many longer than that.
But living in Miami makes things tough mentally for me. I just don't see myself meeting that many new people and them being compatible. Either their culture will be so different from mine, being a largely Hispanic place down here with strong connections to their present friends and notions and their own personalities I don't see meshing with mine from what I see whenever I go out. Most people I see anywhere just don't seem like my type of friend.
But I know that all of Miami is not like what I see when I go out to the Grove or at the beach. I know there's pockets tucked away that I would love to indulge in more often. In fact, I found one of those last Thursday at Uva Lounge. Thursdays, they have local music shows (like Kaffe Krystal, but not as elaborate), and unlike other local venues, isn't trapped in an area of downtown that I just wouldn't want to deal with when exiting at 2am. There's also Jazid or Purdy Lounge, but the beach is such a long drive away, and I rarely have the motivation to take myself all the way down there.
One problem I seem to have for myself now is that I don't know what to do. I don't particularly want to hang out with the majority of my friends that I would in the past hang out with at any occasion. And so I am home. I have such an extensive collection of music, but it's all stuff I've listened to so much in the past that it's all essentially played out in some way or another. TV's never got anything good on it anymore except the occasional Daily Show or Colbert Report, but even that is rapidly losing my interest anymore. The TV shows I download are mostly in between seasons, except for Weeds, but that's just once a week.
And I feel like most of my friends aren't like me.
Which brings me to another strange problem. I like myself more than anyone else in the world. Except for a few rare instances, I have not met another person that could capture my interest completely and intrigue me or think of them as someone better than myself somehow. I tend to look down on a lot of other people, including many of my friends, and most of the random people I see in the streets around Miami. Not to say that they're bad people or uninteresting or dull. They're just not the type of person I would want to know. And when I think about it more, I find myself essentially just wanting to find a clone of myself to hang out with and do stuff with, because I see myself as so perfect of a friend for me. Like tonight, if I had a twin, we would play music, and unlike playing with my other friends, he would be on the exact same level as me.. not better nor worse, and I could do exactly what my mind thinks without even having to speak it out.
Anyways... I hadn't posted in awhile, and haven't really written anything else anywhere else for a long time... All I've posted about my life is my facebook updates and those are quite fleeting. On the other hand, at least people occasionally read those and comment, unlike LJ anymore, but that is quite fine by me.
So now, off to find something else to do to kill some time tonight. Already took a nap for a few hours after work, but can't think of anything else to do but go back to sleep again... oh well. Such is the luxury of comfort.
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[09 Apr 2009|01:34am] |
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music |
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straylight run |
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so, the fair is winding up (it's hard to say winding down when it's going into the peak busy time for it)...
but there's just 4 more days to go.
and then the take-down.
and then it's done and gone again.
this time, i'm really looking forward to it being over, more than other years past.
it's got many factors leading me to this conclusion.
one major one is that i miss the free time, and using it to go rock-climbing and playing ultimate frisbee.
another reason is i miss having my own bedroom and tv and monitor to watch all my tv shows on with good sound.
another is that my dad's been using my car basically every day as his main transportation, since his car is done for. he's getting a new car right after the fair, so then i'll be back to having my own ride again.
another is that this is the time of year of many memories, many of them fond ones, and this year, i don't have too many forming. i haven't been at the fair as much, and i'm no longer a stranger to the city, so old friends don't stop by the booth just to see me or anything anymore... now it's just a job. i want this time to be over, so i can move on my memory ties to another period with less entangled emotional past reminders and memories.
another is i don't expect it to be as nice of a paycheck as it was last year and that is the main motivation for me to go through all this. with having my bro around, it takes away about 1/2 of my pay i'd made last year, and it really makes it not worth it for me to deal with all.
i just wanna be free.
save up and drive.
or cruise. or fly.
but just get out.
get back to the start, so to speak.
i just wanna lay out in the hot, summer sun and fall asleep.
wake up, take a nap inside, and then have some people come over and hang out for the night.
i don't even mind working outside on the Farm when the parents aren't around.
i just really like feeling independent. i hate feeling like i'm living at home under my parents' roof. i like feeling like i'm the head of things, like i can do whatever i want.
and i know that i can, always, but it's just somewhat of a psychological thing for me that is a lot different when they're gone.
i can play music loud, late. i can play drums and guitar and have friends over, late.
i can eat my own dinners, have my own breakfast schedule, plan things on my own time, not on theirs without the risk of upsetting them or throwing off their routines.
whatever.
this is all for now.
it'll all be over soon, and things will go back to normal, which is generally good right now.
hmph.
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[29 Mar 2009|11:00am] |
This is always a weird time of the year for me.
It's Fair time, which means many things. I've been doing this fair my whole life, so every year has it's particular memories tied to this month-long event.
I've made some great memories around now.
And there's some times that are less extraordinary than others.
This year, though, it is looking rather.... gloomy...
Time seems to just be creeping along at less than a snail's pace, and I just want these few weeks to be over with already, so I can get back to..... basically, nothing. Just get back to my routine of frisbee on tuesdays/thursdays, and rockclimbing monday/wednesday/friday, and kayaking saturday/sunday. All that kinda stuff really makes the days go by quick. But all this time of setting up, keeping track, selling, managing... it just drags on. At least sales are up over last year so far, but it's tough to say if that trend will continue to hold. We're hoping. I could use some money. It's come to my attention that I haven't saved up nearly as much as I'd have liked to over the past year, and I'm not typically getting paid for working on the Farm, so income is rather minimal right now. But that's basically fine by me, cuz I'm trying to ensure limited expenses, by doing mostly free activities.
Since last post, I was in a relationship, enjoyed a few months, but myself caught up to me (whatever that means) and I basically got bored of it, so we we ended it on tuesday. Basically came down to her just not being my type, I guess. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm looking for, but since I recognized it wasn't her, I figured it was better to let that go rather than drag it on any longer than needed. And I think it was a pretty clean cut. Can't imagine a break up goin much smoother. She said she saw it coming and was just basically waiting for me to actually get around to saying something, cuz she didn't wanna say it first.
So, that's that.
I'm not actively looking for a new girl at all, but I'm keeping my eyes open, just in case something good does wander past my field of vision, though it is doubtful, going by past history and present circumstances.
I'm just looking forward to summer again. When my parents take off for several weeks and I have the house to myself to do whatever I want. Parties, getties, quiet nights, my own dinners, drumming, makin music, drinking, doing whatever else comes my way.
Things aren't really generally bad for me or anything... just kinda boring right now.
It's the waiting game of the Fair... waiting till it's over and I can get back to my life again, cuz it seems like during this time, I basically fall off the map and am out of contact with the world for as long as it is.
But it's alright. I'm probably not missing out on much.
I'm 24, with a calm, steady-paced life.
Days of youth seem to have passed.
I feel old. Mature? Not really. Just aged.
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[15 Feb 2009|05:53pm] |
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storms of early summer
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[03 Jan 2009|03:39am] |
soooo......
things are good.
or awesome.
or whatever's even cooler/better than awesome.
i love life.
rather, i love my life.
i understand that not all lives are on parallel planes with mine right now.
but mine is sweet.
i <3 all my friends that i have.
and i think they <3 me too.
long nights of rock band, TV, frisbee, etc. still lay ahead.
i like my odds.
winter has always been my favorite season, and this year has not disappointed so far. good times, good friends, good memories.
nite everyone.
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[01 Jan 2009|06:59am] |
::ahem::
Happy New Years Everyone!!!
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[28 Dec 2008|06:01am] |
i've been really reminiscent of freshman year at UNF all holiday season this year.
i would keep remembering spending the last day in the dorm, after Jake left for the holidays, napping, watching TV, waiting for AM to be ready to drive down to Citrus County, meeting all of those people down there and spending a very nice few days before making the rest of the drive down to Miami.
when i think of it that way, it sounds so bizzarre, compared to the life i have now, which is not boring, but .... i know the same people i knew in high school and we're in the same state we always were.
i have a great time with everyone every time.
but still.
i miss college. the idea of having a roommate and hanging out all the time, playing GTA and Gran Turismo between classes.
astronomy.
earth science.
english 101's.
osprey landing.
OAR.
disc on the green......... seriously, i go back there many more times than i really do, but that place was special.
very special.
steve and the rest of the hippie music kinda people.
those years were the closest thing to perfection in my life.
miami's always been tainted by something, but those years in Jax really were exceptional...
i wish more people from the past still read this so they could see how often i reflect on the past that we share. it's sad that only 2 people ever post on here anymore, Brian, and random Miami guy I added during the election of 2004. everyone else has dropped off.
i never leave anything behind. i hold it as close as i can for as long as i can.
but this is still my little sanctuary from the hectic quality of facebook.
anything i say on that is gone by morning, covered by any other more recent news.
these posts have a pretty good shelf-life now.
i'm enjoying the time without my parents around very much so far.
been messed up every night so far.. but now it's about time to get back into real life again, with the end of the weekend and all.
this has been good though.
i really like the life i've got going on for me right now.
i like my options. i feel confident about what i could do if i decide to do it.
so things are good on mostly all fronts.
just like to let all of you know that.
you're in my heart and mind.
looking forward to seeing you all again.
always a pleasure.
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[22 Dec 2008|09:12am] |
i love long, multi-faceted dreams.
in this one, i was at my first class of the spring semester, and it was today, still before christmas. it was confusing.
it was some strange writing teaching class or something.
i think it was in jax. on the tv was an ad for the national championship game, but it was between florida and georgia this time and a lot of people were rooting for georgia there.
i had lunch at the cafe that felt a lot like the unf one.
we looked at some book that was really strange about persistence of vision or something. it was really trippy. it would flip the pages automatically at like 30/sec. and would show different scenes as long as you kept your vision unfocused. i liked waving my hands slowly across because it gave the impression of trails.
it all made me really want to go back to school.
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[16 Dec 2008|09:55am] |
Time moves slow in the desert. For just a weekend trip away I have managed to do a whole heck of a lot, thanks of course to my wonderful travel mates.. Seen a TON of snow drank a TON of drinks (including 2 40s), beat the Billagio, and all sorts of other crazinesses I don't have the patience now to type in through my iPod touch interface..
Anyways that is all for now. Gotta catch up on some sleep.
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| Busy week ahead |
[04 Dec 2008|11:21pm] |
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music |
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Senses Fail - Life Is Not a Waiting Room (whole CD) |
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So, it turns out that I have quite a bit of things going on.
-I leave tomorrow for a weekend in West Palm with my dad, going to AYSO soccer meetings and such in between golfing and maybe going to the beach or just hanging out around the area.
-Come back Sunday afternoon
-Monday's not too big a deal
-Tuesday and Wednesday I get to go to a 'Fish Health Workshop' down in Homestead all day, learn about fish diseases and treatments and all sorts of that good stuff (who knows, maybe it's better than working on the farm like a normal day, and hey, I might even learn some really important stuff while I'm at it!)
-Wednesday night, I'm going to a free movie screening of 'Helvetica'... apparently it's a documentary about type-faces and the power of them, etc. Sounded interesting, and it's free, and I know some cute girls that are going, so why not, right?
-Thursday night, I have 4 free tickets to the Miami Improv again. As of now, I got 2 girls that are interested to go with me, and one more ticket open for whoever. I'm not entirely sure of the girls' commitment to the tickets, but we'll see what happens. Joey's hoping a ticket opens up so he can bring Steph along, which would be cool, but only time will tell if anyone backs out.
-Friday night, I leave for VEGAS!!! One of those last-minute flight deals through AAdvantage... 269 round trip, non-stop flights, Miami to Vegas. 4 nights. We can stay with one of Gambit's friends a few of the nights, and get a rent-a-car for like $10/day thanks to his Military discount, so we should be set pretty well to live it up. No girls going this time to throw a kink into the system. So far it's me, Gambit, and Ozz. Joey might go, but I'm doubting he'll scratch the money together for it.
Then I get back from that on the 17th at 7am. A week and a day later, and my parents will be heading off for their Christmas trip, including time in Iowa, plus about a week in Vegas as well!
Up till now, I hadn't really checked out the weather for Vegas in this time of year. Apparently... it's freezing (for me, at least). High's are in the low-60s, and lows get down into the 30s. But hey, at least it's Vegas! There's plenty of booze to go around to get warmed up. ... And to think, I was cold when I was there in May! Oh well. Should still be a good time. Plus after that, I'll be even more appreciative of how mild winter is down here, and I can really enjoy the Christmas and New Year holidays even more with that perspective. And I'll have the house free again for a couple of weeks, which is always great.
As for now, I've gotta get some rest before all this activity starts to kick on.
And oh... I got new rims on my car finally! Pics are on my camera still, but will eventually find their way to facebook for admiring eyes.
And... everyone should check out Senses Fail's newest CD. I like every song on it. The only thing that sucks is that I prefer it over any other CDs right now, so I'm really pushing it through to being played out way too fast.
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[01 Dec 2008|09:07pm] |
this new season of south park is actually pretty good.
2 favs... the guinea pig monster spoof on cloverfield, and the one mocking the wannabe vampire kids pissing off the goths...
good to know that south park's best days are still not entirely behind them, and not entirely based in political humors.
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[01 Dec 2008|02:23am] |
Just two quick things...
or maybe more.
1. i'm glad i'm not in love right now. and that i really haven't been in a long, long time. in seeing joey deal with it, with the uncertainty and such, it reminds me how lucky i am, in a way, to not be in that kind of position to be torn apart by anything or anyone else other than myself right now. and i can at least handle myself, i know i've gotten decades of experience there by now.
2. in spontaneously somehow deciding to work on organizing my digital pictures from the past 8 or so years, i've realized that that is quite the mission i have set out for me. so many pictures just scattered across hard drives and folders with names and no dates and dates with no names, and sometimes just one picture for a day.. it would probably take me a good 10-12 hours straight to get them all in the order and organization i would like to get them to.
but it is nice to go back and look at some of the time frames, see the changes i have made over the years, and see all the changes my friends have made too.
i know i've come a long way in certain terms, and i'm proud of that... but there's some ways in which i feel i have digressed or depressed or condensed myself into being somewhat less than what i know i could be or what i thought i wanted to be in the past.
things are a bit rough right now for me, though, at least in my relative sense of it.
i'm lucky if i get paid once a month for a week's work..
i crashed my car through a fence while driving drunk without my glasses on..
i got a flat tire on the way to thanksgiving in naples to meet with my parents..
my folks aren't leaving as originally planned, so there's at least another year with them around the house..
but it's all things that can work out with patience and care. and i know i have plenty of things to look forward to, still.
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[16 Nov 2008|05:35pm] |
live and learn
thank god i'm alive, safe, and my disregard for society didn't cause any harm to anyone but myself.
things could have been really, really bad.
but i think it's just the kind of shock i needed.
i see the world, my life, my story in a whole new manner.
it sets a new priority to certain things.
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[06 Nov 2008|05:26am] |
I'm overflowing with ambition
but I've gotta keep in mind
the bottom line...
is the dollar sign.
...and that was intended to be the entirety of my post...
but nah.. i'll go on..
today i went back in time to my past recollections of 4 years ago.
back to when i was living with benadict and brian in the village, to when i watched a portion of the results of the '04 election come through with courtney.
and i went beyond just those posts in both directions, and for the first time in a few years, i went backwards beyond that, into the time where i was at UNF, making my decision to leave it, and then read forward through my process, and really realized that i did have no regrets at the time over what my decision was, and that what i made up my mind to do then really was the best for me overall.
i did develop a warped perspective over the years because of the significance of that time of my life, but in retrospect, among many other factors, what happened then really does not mean what i have made it to mean over the past 4 years. i glorified it beyond it's value. and i have robbed myself in the process in a way.
but, of course, there are no regrets.
i fully intend to go to jax for brian's show at unf on the 14th.
i'm forever grateful, appreciative, and supportive of my past friends from the jax area, including, of course, anne-marie, amber (both), brian, ben, leslie, jake, courtney, meagan, tyler, christie, brittany, jessie, alex, boca, mongoose matt, katie, andrea (who i just heard via facebook had a baby!), bryan, mike, all the disc players, and even a select few of the professors, including farber, for making those 2 years count to the most they could.
at times i regret not staying, but then i realize that i got out at the perfect time for myself personally. i needed to get out then to make those years matter as much to me as they did... if i had stayed, the significance would have faded like it seemed to to the rest of the group after i had left.
the friendships dissolved pretty fast, it seemed, after i was gone, so i was lucky to be a part of it when it was still pretty cohesive.
i'm just glad that i feel, in my heart of hearts, that if i ever wanted to reconnect with any of the people above, i could be in the familiar fold in a beat of the heart, and that it would really be comfortable.
LJ will forever be my 'UNF' journal.. the quantity of posts in those years, i'm sure, outnumbers, and out-qualifies all my posts in the years since then, and the significances of those posts in those years has most likely trumped many recent posts i've made, and i respect that.
but with this election, there is something special, moving something besides just this country.
lots of things are new.
and i look forward to them.
i've seen the way my past has changed according to the present, and i am prepared to accept the changes whole-heartedly and take it on as well as i know i can.
case in point...
lol
i'm still getting drunk on campus, running around at 5am, getting in trouble for being too loud, sneaking alcohol out of the dorms, and partying with people that aren't supposed to be partying.......
COLLEGE!
that's what i really miss. the fun of it all. and i still can have that.
yes!
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[05 Nov 2008|01:38am] |
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yes
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[24 Oct 2008|12:46am] |
prison break.
you know, i've been protesting this show out of pure self esteem issues?
it's been on the top of the isohunt list among the rest of my fav shows, but i have refused to give it a chance, because i did not know of it prior???
and so, after talking to brian, tash's bf, i give it a chance.
and so it is, just not even an episode into it, i'm hooked, and now i'm on ep3.. and knowing that it's still on top in whatever season it is, 2?3?, i know that being stubborn is not my best quality.
so i forfeit my pride in this case.
this show is high quality, good acting, good suspense, plot, and characters.
if you are an avid fan of television, this show should be on your to-watch list, as it is now on mine.
good things happen when you take smart people's advice.
i'm glad i did for once.
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[23 Oct 2008|11:32pm] |
soo....
how's this for a theory...
i'm an academic. (as i wished i was the one time i went to benadict's class with him).
the reason for which i wish i was in the past (ya know, the 'good times') is actually just because i was in such an 'open' state back then.. being in college, learning new things.
it wasn't nescessarily because of the individual people i was surrounded by (including ben, bryan, jake, boca, alex, etc.).. what i liked was that i was;
1-out of my usual zone of miami
2-learning new things, meeting new people, gathering new points of view.
i loved visiting david a few weeks ago.
and the situation was that i was back on a college campus, back in the academic environment of learning new things, for no greater purpose than pure knowledge.
as it stands, i am working, making money (sometimes), but not particularly enjoying myself along the way..
yes, that could just be what comes along with getting older, but i think there should be more to it than just that.
i really, honestly (apparently) don't give a shit about relationships, girlfriends, all that sort of shit. i can be past that, and i am most of the time when i think about the real things that matter to my life. yes, it would be most exceptional to be close to another person that can appreciate life as it is, but as it is now, i have yet to meet another person of that caliber in a long, long time, so i've brushed it off as a mere luxury that this town does not have enough of to spare me one.
and so, i cram into my day as much academic kind of stuff as i can.. the kinds of things i would do if i was still living the life of a college student..
paying attention to new music that strikes my interest, parties i may be interested, politics..
basically anything to take my mind off the mind-numbing work that i am supposed to be doing.
i wish i was a student again, in a certain sense.
i'm not challenged, persay, in either situation i am in, but as a student, i feel better suited for my position.
as a 'professional', i feel that i am stealing away to get my scholastic side satisfied.
i want to read books.
interract with new people.
learn about different cultures.
see things.
and though my personal situation allows a fair amount of flexibility, i feel like i have to push to get what i want, whereas in my prior situation, nothing was expected of me, so i could get whatever i wanted without preauthorizing it with anyone else.
say i wanted to play Gran Turismo or GTA all day....
nobody was there to say no, or to say what i should have been doing instead.
and nobody ever did.
and those were the best years of my life.
it can not possibly be wrong to with i was back in that kind of life again.
honestly, i could see myself being there again if i was more forthcoming about what i really wanted...
but the thing is that i know that i am not supposed to be feeling that way right now..
i'm 'supposed' to have gotten that out of my system in my 4 years...
the thing is, is i'm looking around at most of my other friends, and i'm one of the very few that finished in the 4 years, and most of my other friends are still in that college lifestyle, years beyond my graduation, and to be honest, i am jealous of their ability to stay in that beyond my timeframe. i wish i was still there.
granted, it may be completely different if i was there now, but i doubt it. no matter where i was during 'school', there was a certain quality of higher education that transcended institution and location and it was just nice to be surrounded, literally, by people with relatively similar priorities.
this town is not like a college town, in many senses, though there is a college really close by.
people have different priorities and such, and amongst other things, there is not a strong local music scene waiting to entertain me on a whim like jax or gville may have been able to supply.
but, this is where i am, and i am not really going anywhere significantly for awhile, so i may as well just drink up and be merry.
so i go.
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[19 Oct 2008|05:37am] |
i figured that it was simply impossible for any human person to be hotter than joey's ex, steph.
tonight, i was proved wrong.
by tj's coworker, rebecca.
damn...
i feel that i need not say more, and so i will not say more.
in other words.. i had an amazing night, hanging out with tj and bryan on south beach clubs.. started out at setai, chilled with becca for awhile, and then moved on to some other place, aerobar where i proceeded to get wasted for the rest of the night while thoroughly appreciating the bodily scenery that miami beach has to offer.
i must say, i do take it for granted very often, but i really do appreciate it on nights like this.
i love this town.
....................and i'm going kayaking in the morning with buigas... werd. this rocks.
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souncreative's journal