Have I posted this before? i can't help but think i have.
almost possibly with the same subject line.
maybe it was an e-mail to idalia. in fact, i have all those conversations still saved (why? i'm a digital hoarder (thank god, because if i were an actual hoarder like i do in computers, i would be on that show) and therefore have kept information and such from all my life. maybe that's normal. but it was starting to get in my way. my room was overflowing and such with memories that don't necessarily require tokens of memory).
anyways. maybe i'll check after i post. and see what it says. or if it even exists.
without the existence of a computer to modulate my experience of the world, i do not think i would exist. so what does that make me?
i mean, sure, i could probably disconnect from life for a bit, put my phone somewhere more than within-earshot and be fine.. hell, i might not even really actually miss that many calls as i think i would.. but the fact that i don't... at least, not lately, what does that say? i'm either within a few seconds of either my phone or a computer most of my day (and while i sleep).. what does that do to a person?
most of my experience of my friends, of my surroundings, of my life, is only made possible because i am constantly at the attention of my social media surroundings. i feel vital, even though i'm really not. i guess the business has something to do with it, too, though. i also have to be connected to over 5 other people in case one calls in sick, one has a question, one is on vacation, or whatever.
sooo... in another tab i have facebook open.. and i just keep checking it to see if anyone has commented, messaged, etc. i think that is something particularly wrong with me. i used to be much more connected to people. i had many conversations going on with people. i was social. i participated. now.... i don't. i don't, partially because i frankly don't have the energy for it, but also because i don't want to do those kinds of things anymore. i'm taking the farm responsibility much more seriously now, and that comes with having so many more things to have to be on top of and aware of lately. with the fair, our little carnival, the ALA convention with people from all over the world (which would make a great blog entry if i was as passionate about my business as all of these people are about the hobby). and still, now i'm sitting here, posting about my emotions of overall odd things instead of focusing on the real business of things... i don't know. i guess things are going well though.
but i'm still stuck tying myself to technology mentally. i need to let that go and do something else.. but i just don't know what to do. i should have a significant other or something at this point. most people are pairing off now, but i'm not even looking. i guess i feel like i don't have as much to offer now that i've been sick and i don't look as well as i used to, and i never really developed much of a personality at my core aside from being whoever i was. even though that's all a lie, in one sort or the other. i'm still a snob when it comes to music, even though it's such a shitty subject to be proud of... but that idea of mix-tape love is still so inside of me because that's what i've known, and i don't want to do it again with anyone new, but don't know what else to do. i have no good mentors in this regard. alex george is an ever-single like me who self-sabotages any relationship he's gotten into in order to be a more selfish person. i do the same when i'm looking into the potential of a relationship... i push the envelope too soon. i see just how much shit they can put up with mine for no other reason than to prove that they couldn't actually want to put up with it. and it usually works pretty fast for me.
in all honesty, i just haven't met anyone that i could really see myself spending a long time with. everyone i know, have known, or will likely meet in miami, just holds none of my interests. there's something about this city that filters people like me out of it, and moves us up to broward or orlando or jacksonville and out of the craziness of miami... for someone to want to be here, they have to be ready for that energy, and most people aren't, and i probably wouldn't prefer to be in this position if it was mine to make.. but i have it great here, and have not let myself think about any other way around it... maybe i will at some point.. but i'm nowhere near that point. and i think that's another reason why i am not with anyone else now. i can't fully commit to someone else until i can even be sure what i myself will be doing a few years down the road. i suppose, i will be in this house still, writing in my livejournal every so often when alcohol and thc meet in my bloodstream and my brain decides to jump into this side-stream of thought. along with the balance of having the time and freedom to just play some music (placebo radio on pandora) at good volume and just go with it for a while like it was in college.
maybe i'll be famous one day and this will be a torrent on thepiratebay for people to download and read my autobiography... ya never know. and now i'm prepared either way. maybe this is what faith feels like.
i see people 'like' my stuff on facebook, and it's like i think 'yeah, damn right, like that shit'... and that kinda is the whole underlying idea behind posting anything (a status, a quote, a link, whatever) is that it's a popularity contest relative to your peer group... but aside from that, what the hell other point does it serve? i know people in other countries and other cultures and groups within it use it to organize, to make events, to meet up, etc., but still, it just seems like such a waste of time... and that's probably just because i waste more time on there than anyone else i know... and i would feel bad for that fact, but then again, i do it for at least some other reason.. ever so slightly, i also picture myself as a brand, and i have to market myself to certain people at certain times, so i use it as that as well.. more-so when i would throw parties and i would be trying to get certain groups to come to parties over others.. but yea, what a waste.
then again, what else would i be doing?
i guess, i could be doing any number of things.. cleaning my office, doing my laundry, catching up on good books and tv shows, actually, yea, lots of stuff. but that's all too much like work, and my social life, ever so lame as it may be, is still easier than any actual effort towards things.. then again, i am still used to my old lethargic lifestyle, with no frisbee, soccer, etc., and am more inclined to lazy nights staying in with fires and such.
anyways, i'm gonna stop posting now and do something else... hopefully away from a computer.