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Always get a number [06 Sep 2013|10:47pm]
So I'm staying at a resort, and I've just had the best interaction with a group of girls vacationing here as well. This is a new for me, as I'm often quite shy when traveling and rarely make that first step.... the whole situation though worked out wonderfully, until I just got home and realized something... the business card that I was given by the one I was most interested in, is no longer in my pockets.

So, I was watching the sunset at a bar/restaurant by myself and notice 3 girls at a table within earshot. I order my drink and appetizer and wait for the service to get to me, thinking to myself how I'm going to break into the set. My dad, before leaving the resort, had given me a great pick-up line for traveling, and it worked well. It's simple... "Are you waiting for anyone?" and he says to just wait for the response. I followed a little unconfidently by asking if I could join them, but I could see how their initial invite could come on its own.

So I sat down with my drink and had left my appetizer behind. Good girl waitress noticed after 5 minutes and grabbed it and brought it over for me. All I really did was ask them questions about their trip and other trips they'd been on. They were on a girl's trip and staying one last night before flying out the next afternoon.
One of the girls lived on another island (I'm staying on Hawaii), and the other 2 were from Chicago, but all with Hispanic roots, and me coming from Miami, got to identify with them on those similarities as well as other travel stories.

At times, I suppose questions I posed could have been used as opportunities for them to qualify themselves, like asking where else they've gone, what their favorite place was, different ideas for what to do while I'm here, and really just gave them plenty of opportunities to talk about their passions. That made the conversation really easy for me, because all I did was listen, respond if they asked something, and then re-engage with something that had gotten them talking in the first place. And being with a group of 3 made transitions really easy because they would take the reigns themselves and make conversation and I could just get to know them.

So the waitress came around and we all got another round, and in conversation, the Hawaii girl gave me her card as she's in the agriculture industry on Kauai, and I told her about my parents' land here. Aside from pick-up, I was genuinely interested in this girl because she could be someone really cool to get knowledge from for my parents' land.

The night runs out, the bar is closing, and they offer to give me a ride back to my room, entirely on the other side of the resort, but we keep conversation going, and they wish me well on the rest of my travels. I check with one of them that they're gonna be laying by the lagoon tomorrow, so I think to myself about hitting that up in the morning/afternoon to maybe reconnect, and I would contact the business card girl the next day and arrange a meetup to hang out before they go.

Alas, I get back to my room, empty my pockets, and not a business card to be found. I must have forgotten it on the table in front of me, and now it's lost to the universe.

I suppose this is really enforced outcome independence, because even with having a great time, I have no solid way to get back in contact. I could have easily gotten all 3 of their numbers, I think, because I did have a good conversation with them all and they seemed to enjoy themselves in my company, and even with going back to Chicago, they could have been cool people to keep in touch with.

But now, my hard connection is lost. But it really goes to show me what is possible. There will be other cool people to talk to while I'm here, and each step further out of my social comfort zone promises good things if tonight is any preview. either way, i'm staying in paradise, so nothing can keep me down. very much looking forward to tomorrow now though to parlay this confidence into a new day, and see where the next adventures take me.
Out With It

shm [24 Mar 2013|10:14pm]
in my mind, in my head, this is where we all came from.
the dreams we have, the love we share, this is what we're waiting for.
Out With It

experience [24 Mar 2013|09:36pm]
watching the umf livestream of shm... looking at all the cell phones up in the air, i realize i'm not the only one that lives via recording..

it's an interesting thing to think about..

we record what we experience because we can, but why? what of actual experience anymore? i know we love to advertise what we've done, and how we've done it, and our place at a time, etc., and i've always been one of those first people with a camera on himself at all times, but do we lose something to the lens?
Out With It

constant gratification [27 Jan 2013|10:39pm]
living in this world that seems to be dedicated to constant enjoyment of life and happiness is damn tiring.

i've had an AMAZING few weeks, and yet my brain feels trained that it's not enough.. i need to keep doing more. keep up with the constant adventure that is life. maybe it's just this season, but things feel like they're happening a lot.

my next 3 weekends are spoken for, with bike-crawl, 5k, super bowl, then boston trip, then chinese new year festival work, then the fair booth prep (and other events and adventures i'm sure to have).
i've enjoyed not knowing what might happen each day of my week.. it's given me lots of opportunities to get out, meet new people, and have an awesome time.. including going out to the old abandoned NASA site... TWICE!

it helps that i've had the house to myself for these 6 weeks. this is probably the longest i've been allowed the house to myself since i first took over the farm in my first summer back about 6 years ago. since then, it's never been more than 3 weeks unsupervised and in charge of everything.

guess i've almost made it.

orion comes back wednesday. i think i've done WoW (Winter of Will) well. from where i was at thanksgiving to where i feel that i am now, it's been a huge transition. i've started biking and running on certain days, along with playing soccer consistently, and also juggling social circles and activities. i had orphan christmas, life in color, new years, and 4 weeks worth of movies, music, clubs, parties, and adventures since.

i'm happy with myself right now, and that's what matters most.
time to go start a fire and enjoy the subtle winter we've had, and take it easy for a night, or a few.
Out With It

obligatory new years post [31 Dec 2012|08:26pm]
damn, what a year.
i said i'd do new things, and i have.
it's probably best captured through my facebook, since i've been very social again lately, and that's where my social life lives.. glad they added timeline for this past year. it's awesome documentation of my adventures.

i don't know what my new years resolution is for this coming year, but i think it has to do with not being single anymore. it's been nice not having the responsibility or pressure of a relationship, but my patience with myself is waning. i also want to get in a better financial situation, pay off debts, and not have that dragging my mentality down.

it's been a year of transition for me, coming back into my old self, and discovering new bits along the way. now that i have come full circle, it's time to examine what's good and bad about the entire loop. the going out and partying and staying up till 4-7am is fun, but ultimately fruitless, at least in its current rendition, no matter what i may tell myself at the time.

i look forward to being on the soccer field more this year. that also puts me in a really good group of people that are in a better direction for me to go.
i love my current friends, but dammit, i need to get out. as it's been said, they can be toxic. i fool myself into thinking there might be something more there than there may be. and i'm a damn good convincer.

i should pick up the bass more, go out less, talk to other people less, until i get myself even better. the power i had when i first re-met aisha was that i was a much better person at that time. i've regressed some i think over the last 2 months, drawn back into that place. i need to quit facebook. at least, the way i use it. i have to just give it an hour per day, like 7pm-8pm where i can use it. otherwise, it's a constant 5-minute drain a few times a day and it cuts my focus drastically. i tell myself that it helps kill the monotony of the day, but really it's just a waste of my time, and i owe it to myself and my business to not do that. i'm sure it will only make me a better person overall anyway. more real reading, more self-improvement, more reflection/meditation, more anything else will surely be a better use of my time. by staying off facebook, it should focus more of my attention on the fish farm, too.. and i know i need that. i could do a lot better with what i've got here if i wasn't always distracting myself from it.

for being my year of new things, it's kind of appropriate that i would end up where i started years ago, same core friends, same activities, and all. i went to round up, i did edm shows, i rolled, i went to match.com events, i nofap'd, i read, i went out in naples, i met new people ever so briefly.. guess i'm already built by this point, but i have faith i can still get better, maybe not by spreading myself thin with new things, but by focusing on the most important things and really finding out what I want. i had a very strong potential relationship with lucy, but there were consequences i couldn't reconcile at the time and still can't, but that was another major part of my year.

and now that my letter to myself and to others have been written, i can close this post and get ready for tonight's festivities.

Out With It

save the world [21 Dec 2012|01:11am]
i'm really glad that i have tickets to ultra this year.
i need it.

watching the video for 'save the world tonight' by swedish house mafia just kinda goes with my worldview of what's important to me most, and i'm glad i made the purchase as an investment in my own mentality.

with party-as-a-lifestyle-and-mindset in mind, i have quite the schedule ahead of me... endfest tomorrow night should be pretty amazing in that i will have a really cool atmosphere around me, and what looks to be like many of my friends in attendance too. happy daze ranch sounds like a place that i was meant to see at least once in my lifetime, and i've missed out on all my past opportunities.

then there's carrera's and kookie's christmas party saturday night.

then it's orphan christmas..

then life in color..

then surely a new years celebration of some sort..

i've gotta rest up. i'm sure i'll be updating. i love jotting down my social adventures, and the next few weeks are sure to be full of them.
Out With It

well, that changes things.. [20 Dec 2012|12:18am]
clashes between realities that shape futures...
and possibly opening new futures yet unseen.

big bang theory, happy endings, and modern family have shaped my life more in 2 hours than 4 hours of 'how to win friends and influence people' audiobooks while driving.. but in reality, they're probably all doing their part in unquantifiable portions.

to fun! and all of the possible routes to it.
Out With It

[11 Nov 2012|04:52am]
just gotta wait 3-4 more years for what i want to catch up to me.

i know my ideal, but we're not on the same level in my mind. i'm 28. it's a very different life from 23. i would know. i miss it, but i'm not that.

i'm tired. but i had an awesome night. made new brazilian friends. kinda. i think i should have gotten numbers or contact info, but i don't really know. i did interact more with strangers than the entire rest of the group, though. and that was one of my plans. when i sober up, i will evaluate my progress.

for now, i'm tired.
music and rest.
Out With It

[27 Oct 2012|02:44pm]
'places i've passed out'...
new entry today: in my car after i got home. wake up to phone call to open the gate. hunch punch hits hard. fun party. tonight should be the icing on the october cake. it's been a great month for me. now back to laying out in the beautiful sunlight on a breezy october afternoon, listening to edm.
Out With It

[16 Sep 2012|11:32pm]
"you can make more friends in 2 weeks by being interested in other people than in 2 months trying to get people interested in you." - Dale Carnegie
Out With It

[15 Aug 2012|11:02pm]
what i've realized in 2 days of being sober is this...
drinking and smoking just seem to make stupid, mundane, boring stuff better.
and at first glance, that sounds like a good thing.
but what i've just realized is that once you take out the drinking and the smoking, then you're just doing stupid, mundane, boring stuff.
not to say that everything anyone does while drunk or high is that way.. in all likelihood, maybe i'm the only one that smokes or drinks for that reason.. but it does lead me to wonder what else i could be doing with my time other than that.

like for instance, 2 days in a row i'm looking at the clock and it's not even 11 and i'm ready for sleep...
if i'd been drinking or smoking, i would easily kill the night watching something on tv, or reading stuff online, or having a bonfire, or going out to dinner, or whatever else i typically spend my weeknights doing...
point is, i'm going to be getting a good night's rest again instead, and i'll be waking up nice and early and refreshed and ready for a new day.
i'm even considering going for a jog in the morning at miller pond. i've got some good tunes on my phone now, and a good set of earbuds.. heck, maybe i'll even go for a bike ride one of these mornings (just gotta make sure the tires are filled up and ready) and parlay that into a jog too.

so with this just being a few days in, i wonder what my mind'll be thinking by the end of the week. it wouldn't be the first time i've realized i've had to cut back my substance use, but it's the first time i'm realizing something about it with clarity.. at least that i can remember.. at least until next time.

should be a good change though, and that's a good thing, cuz i know i still need it.
1 Out| Out With It

house parties... [09 Jun 2012|05:06am]
i've sincerely missed house parties...
the opportunity to converse with really close friends leisurely (without the tension of a sporting event or dinner or movie) has been so limited lately that i feel like i'd lost touch with a lot of my good friends.
and for a party that i really didn't expect a lot for myself, it was absolutely chill. got to enjoy some old drinking games, have some really pleasant (and interesting conceptual) conversations with people, and got to be in the company of some of my favorite people.

and it felt good to be paid attention to again.
for one of the first times in my modern life, i've been a focal point again, at least in my own mind. i felt wanted and accepted and a part of the event, and not just a side note that just so happened to show up.
people would come up to me and join my conversations i was having. it was fantastic.

all in all, great times, good night.
and to even better ones as they progress.
Out With It

philosophy de wilfred [08 Jun 2012|01:22am]
all those things, you do for other people, right? what do you do for yourself? i mean, life is too short... i think you really have to do what makes you happy..

i wouldn't know where to start..

in three days, i'll go to capraya, which is a beautiful island in italy, and i have an uncle there who will let me use his sailboat.. come with me.

that sounds wonderful, but i can't..

okay, then let's make the most of the short time we have left.
Out With It

[07 Jun 2012|12:41am]
i find it wonderful that those that i've known the longest (regardless of how well i know them) turn out to be those most relatable to me..

i should have no reason to agree with rachel butler on so many levels, but of all of my friends, she, and david kuhry who she introduced me to, are some of the people that i relate most to out of all of my friends who i've known since middle school.

it just so happens that rachel's parents know my parents from before we were born, a lot like tj morales is to me a closer friend than even amber orr, who is still a closer friend than anyone else i've known in my entire life except for my other elementary school friends or st. paul people...

strange to consider, because it really is proving itself true for me, at least, mostly...


should sleep.
Out With It

what if... [06 Jun 2012|10:52pm]
what if.
i'd done different.

i've had a lot of life experiences.. ones that would potentially throw anyone else for a loop as to how to deal with it...
maybe it's just a perspective i've been given from watching californication now... i guess the moral of that story is the 'what if' of if i didn't have any ties to anything else and i just went out into orbit and did what i've found myself to do in places beyond where i'm limited to now..

i could go anywhere.
and probably ENJOY life more than i do now.
i aim to make the most of my time here, but every time i escape this orbit, i see what my potential is visa vie the world.

i don't think i fully appreciate the consequence of being shy in this world... i need to stop that side. at this point in my life, without the semblance of anything aside from myself significant in this life, i can see it becoming shitty in certain regards... i'm getting to be older and wanting different things out of life... i got to this point a little later than others possibly.. but hopefully early enough to catch on.

so easily distracted i am.
i need a chorus.
something to refrain to.
something that keeps coming back.
and with repetition.

but that's a lot of work,
and i like my freedom.
it is what defines me.
always free, free always.
Out With It

[12 May 2012|05:48pm]
the problem with most transformative moments is that they come so rarely.
why so rare?
maybe it's just me, and mostly just the past year or so, but i haven't really done anything different. i make adjustments here or there, or change where i eat, or which bar to start at, but very rarely do i have an epiphany that changes my overall behavior arc. And maybe i should.

I can remember specific points in my life lately where I have experienced these moments of insight. it would be interesting to think about what were the factors that led to that, and why those specific times were so important. maybe it's just because the memory cache used up for larger experiences make them more extraordinary.

like how i remember my thoughts from my hawaii vacations or specific nights out or camping, etc., compared to things that i do most days and nights.

maybe i'm going by on autopilot most of the time, and only do certain adjustments every now and then.

like now, i'm trying to get back in shape, eating more, healthier, lifting weights, etc. which is all coming as a result of the last time i 'opened my eyes' so to speak into what other experiences were possible.

and now, i've bought some concert tickets to the identity festival (great name for a concert series featuring music most adored by the current generation). it should be fun. a trip. a day and evening to remember.

which is leading me to think about what the mass culture populace values, and what that means for the world. i have no idea of the future. maybe there's smarter people out there that know that all the checks and balances of society have been kept up, but sometimes i'm not so sure how secure the whole future is. global warming, oil scarcity, religious militants, whatever other world factors there are. i'm pretty sure we're all alright, but there's a certain energy around the youth that values the present moment much more than the future value. we're becoming more and more hedonistic as a culture. the foods we eat are gluttonous, the surgeries we have done are cosmetic, and we're all dying earlier and living less well in the long run than ever before. no wonder it seems like the theme of YOLO can strike such a chord. it makes everyone want to have all the most amazing experiences right now. there's no more of the idea of 'get a steady job for the next 40 years then retire' mentality, at least not with what i see most people doing... that system doesn't work. it's a shame.

anyways, i'm going back to watching this show. californication. it's good to have role models.
Out With It

Online Life [26 Apr 2012|07:50pm]
Have I posted this before? i can't help but think i have.
almost possibly with the same subject line.
maybe it was an e-mail to idalia. in fact, i have all those conversations still saved (why? i'm a digital hoarder (thank god, because if i were an actual hoarder like i do in computers, i would be on that show) and therefore have kept information and such from all my life. maybe that's normal. but it was starting to get in my way. my room was overflowing and such with memories that don't necessarily require tokens of memory).
anyways. maybe i'll check after i post. and see what it says. or if it even exists.

sooooo.... computer.

without the existence of a computer to modulate my experience of the world, i do not think i would exist. so what does that make me?

i mean, sure, i could probably disconnect from life for a bit, put my phone somewhere more than within-earshot and be fine.. hell, i might not even really actually miss that many calls as i think i would.. but the fact that i don't... at least, not lately, what does that say? i'm either within a few seconds of either my phone or a computer most of my day (and while i sleep).. what does that do to a person?

most of my experience of my friends, of my surroundings, of my life, is only made possible because i am constantly at the attention of my social media surroundings. i feel vital, even though i'm really not. i guess the business has something to do with it, too, though. i also have to be connected to over 5 other people in case one calls in sick, one has a question, one is on vacation, or whatever.

sooo... in another tab i have facebook open.. and i just keep checking it to see if anyone has commented, messaged, etc. i think that is something particularly wrong with me. i used to be much more connected to people. i had many conversations going on with people. i was social. i participated. now.... i don't. i don't, partially because i frankly don't have the energy for it, but also because i don't want to do those kinds of things anymore. i'm taking the farm responsibility much more seriously now, and that comes with having so many more things to have to be on top of and aware of lately. with the fair, our little carnival, the ALA convention with people from all over the world (which would make a great blog entry if i was as passionate about my business as all of these people are about the hobby). and still, now i'm sitting here, posting about my emotions of overall odd things instead of focusing on the real business of things... i don't know. i guess things are going well though.

but i'm still stuck tying myself to technology mentally. i need to let that go and do something else.. but i just don't know what to do. i should have a significant other or something at this point. most people are pairing off now, but i'm not even looking. i guess i feel like i don't have as much to offer now that i've been sick and i don't look as well as i used to, and i never really developed much of a personality at my core aside from being whoever i was. even though that's all a lie, in one sort or the other. i'm still a snob when it comes to music, even though it's such a shitty subject to be proud of... but that idea of mix-tape love is still so inside of me because that's what i've known, and i don't want to do it again with anyone new, but don't know what else to do. i have no good mentors in this regard. alex george is an ever-single like me who self-sabotages any relationship he's gotten into in order to be a more selfish person. i do the same when i'm looking into the potential of a relationship... i push the envelope too soon. i see just how much shit they can put up with mine for no other reason than to prove that they couldn't actually want to put up with it. and it usually works pretty fast for me.

in all honesty, i just haven't met anyone that i could really see myself spending a long time with. everyone i know, have known, or will likely meet in miami, just holds none of my interests. there's something about this city that filters people like me out of it, and moves us up to broward or orlando or jacksonville and out of the craziness of miami... for someone to want to be here, they have to be ready for that energy, and most people aren't, and i probably wouldn't prefer to be in this position if it was mine to make.. but i have it great here, and have not let myself think about any other way around it... maybe i will at some point.. but i'm nowhere near that point. and i think that's another reason why i am not with anyone else now. i can't fully commit to someone else until i can even be sure what i myself will be doing a few years down the road. i suppose, i will be in this house still, writing in my livejournal every so often when alcohol and thc meet in my bloodstream and my brain decides to jump into this side-stream of thought. along with the balance of having the time and freedom to just play some music (placebo radio on pandora) at good volume and just go with it for a while like it was in college.

maybe i'll be famous one day and this will be a torrent on thepiratebay for people to download and read my autobiography... ya never know. and now i'm prepared either way. maybe this is what faith feels like.

i see people 'like' my stuff on facebook, and it's like i think 'yeah, damn right, like that shit'... and that kinda is the whole underlying idea behind posting anything (a status, a quote, a link, whatever) is that it's a popularity contest relative to your peer group... but aside from that, what the hell other point does it serve? i know people in other countries and other cultures and groups within it use it to organize, to make events, to meet up, etc., but still, it just seems like such a waste of time... and that's probably just because i waste more time on there than anyone else i know... and i would feel bad for that fact, but then again, i do it for at least some other reason.. ever so slightly, i also picture myself as a brand, and i have to market myself to certain people at certain times, so i use it as that as well.. more-so when i would throw parties and i would be trying to get certain groups to come to parties over others.. but yea, what a waste.

then again, what else would i be doing?
i guess, i could be doing any number of things.. cleaning my office, doing my laundry, catching up on good books and tv shows, actually, yea, lots of stuff. but that's all too much like work, and my social life, ever so lame as it may be, is still easier than any actual effort towards things.. then again, i am still used to my old lethargic lifestyle, with no frisbee, soccer, etc., and am more inclined to lazy nights staying in with fires and such.

anyways, i'm gonna stop posting now and do something else... hopefully away from a computer.
Out With It

[08 Apr 2012|01:30am]
i simultaneously feel like i'm too good to have a girlfriend and not good enough to have a girlfriend. but not in the middle. and that's where i want to be. hmph.
Out With It

i can't believe it's been a year [16 Mar 2012|02:00am]
today was opening day at the fair.
some notes on what i thought throughout the day, because they're too personal for facebook and i don't just want them all out there like that, for no other reason than to make me not feel like they're being judged.

i suppose i care way too much about what other people think of me.
cuz i really shouldn't. there's no real reason for me not to be an asshole.
in fact, it would probably help my business situations if sometimes i was less 'like me' in the regards to my calm demeanor.


1. i like puzzles. and one of my favorite ways of encountering problems is to gamify it into a sort of puzzle to solve, like tetris or dr. mario. i swear, video games really do teach you more than classrooms sometimes. for instance, at the fair, we like to keep the same color of lid separated from another of the same color. So we have to rearrange the tanks after each sale (if we're not busy with other customers) to match this perspective. I added to that this year that the gravels cannot be the same color either, and since it's only blue and red this year, that makes the possibilities much more limited, and the puzzle harder to solve. I don't know if other people approach things the same way mentally, but I swear, picturing the work like one big game of bejeweled seems to make the time go by a lot faster.

2. i try really hard to be liked by everyone i meet while 'on business mode'. i used to be a similar way in my social life, but much less limited. i would still be shy and quiet and reserved at events or parties unless really drunk (which i'm sure is why i drank so much for a bit, and still go back to it sometimes before social endeavors). but i'll just walk right up to people and try to be as helpful as possible and strike up conversations about things and play the whole role. and i don't do that in real social life at all. i never walk up towards anyone or really regard anyone as an actual person to be interacted with. i think i could blame miami a lot for that part of my personality, but who knows if there's also some personal nature back there besides the cultural nurture.

3. i don't fit in in this town. not that i ever have, but dammit, i try. i can't relate to most people here. my family's spread way out cross country, while most here have 3 generations in a house. they dance. they speak another language. it's so commonplace that i apparently didn't even notice that the top language in the new marlins stadium is in spanish, with english subtitles below it. i mean, i'm all for it, it's a great place to be alive and to see what all is happening to it. but it is a crazy city. stressy for sure. there's always TOO many things to do. you always feel like you're missing out on something awesome if you just relax, stay in, and watch a movie or tv shows. the energy is ecstatic here. winter music conference is right around the corner, drawing in all these wild characters to make this the electronic music's capitol for a bit. and that radiates everywhere. the fair is going on. miami's film festival is on. there's incoming money to the economy and as a business owner, that's a wonderful market to be in. as long as you're ready for it and can handle it.

anyway, just realized how tired i am. good chat, keyboard/myself.
Out With It

[11 Feb 2011|12:43am]
my current thought at this present moment in my life is this...
ever since i saw the freakin nike commercial in the world cup with the tagline 'write the future', that has become somewhat of a background obsession of mine.
it's also probably because i've been smoking more and that sometimes induces these 'larger framed' ideas and stuff with the mind expansion theories and all.
but yea, 'write the future'.
i adapted this to telling myself to write the future instead of my past, because that's how it feels when i look back on the past several years. i have taken to the same social circles, the same friends, even mostly the same coworkers as i'd done for the past 8-10 years or more, essentially, for me at least, doing the same exact thing i'd done in years past. sure, they've gone on and gotten new jobs and had relationships and all these other things, well, i've been doing the same thing. every once in awhile i'll meet a new group of friends, like this past year or so, and i get to experience a whole new set of things, but now that all of that is getting repetitious, i have to find a new thing to hold my interest. while i can't say i find myself bored with my friends, i think maybe i've become more of a boring person because who knows, maybe i should be trying something different in my life again (like i originally had set to do by moving off to college and therefore never meeting any of them or probably even talking to any of them) again.
so i feel like i should take the next step.
like, up and away or something.
because, like nights like tonight, or how this weekend looks, or how the following weekend looks, i already have social friendship obligations. must do jaime's tomorrow, monster jam saturday, typically soccer on sundays, but now that we won our championship last week (2nd time in 6 months!! go hooligans!!), we get a week off before next weekend's planned trip to the keys to party it up with some amazing people with all sorts of diverse lives that i have not yet to even come close to tapping into that potential of people mentally. But even still as such, I have to wonder about what else i could be doing with my time.. like, could i be truly organizing the house into something more productive, or building additions for the business and thinking of more innovative ways to get money coming in, or researching what it is that i'm actually doing out here selling all these odd fish from around the world. it's a real interesting life and i don't have very many people in common sort of practice to bounce things off of. it's tough to relate to people that have those other kinds of jobs where there's not this background threat of risk changing everything you know about your life. the entrepreneur lifestyle, at least especially in this case, is pretty risky with the weather, climate, economy, wildlife, unlucky disasters, and more things that can have profound effects on the near and further future through either lost sales or revenues or options to sell. it's a strange experience to have all that hanging in the back of your mind.
i guess that's why i've been so calm and collected amidst all these sorts of things... i felt disconnected from it all.. dad was the one to feel it first, knowing what bills were coming, what fish need ordering, what medicines to be putting, all that that i took for granted. but now that i'm relatively satisfied in the position with the computer system, i could reasonably move on my sights from there and recalibrate my thoughts that are so useful and purposeful and full of potential, i really shouldn't waste much more of them on things that are pointless or wasteful of what could be acheived as a result. i know a lot of people play video games to get that feeling of accomplishment out of their system after a long day of what feels like meaningless work.. i get to have an actual outlet of my thoughts and to see if what i think could work actually works. which reminds me, i have to go put up that google ad again.. i know at least 3 people presented it, and that's on the slowest times and days, and just going along with what christy said and not what anyone else had seen.
cool stuff.
i do enjoy it, it's a great place of freedom, and i think i do have a pretty reasonable mechanistic comprehension about how to sustain it as it currently is. it's when i try to throw new things into the system like lately that things have a new perspective, just like how now scientists can zoom in on nano particles and see things like how butterfly's wings are so vivid, or how sponges absorb water, or how ants can climb upside down carrying 100x their weight that way with them. and now they're able to expand that to larger scaled applications.
it's a crazy world we're living in, and i'm a happy participant.
which reminds me of burning man.
and how unique of an experiential story i really have that very few other people do.
i have so much i can say.
why am i so terrible at talking to people in a social setting?
am i afraid that i'm not gonna have anything interesting to say?
do i really think that they're that much more intelligent than me that i wouldn't be able to respond to them?
or do i just really have no sense of commonality between me and other people?
like i feel that it is impossible for anyone to relate to me, or me to them, so why even bother searching for common experience for a future-oriented goal.
my future is totally different from most anyone i know. just like my lifestyle.
or maybe it isn't all that odd. like i feel like i understand how most other people would do their jobs, things are trainable and all that, but it's hard to think that there's millions of other people out there too, all living their lives in different ways, or maybe even the same way, on some sort of other parallel dimension so to speak. like if you take a left turn instead of taking a right and then having something profound happen as a direct result of that. as everything that ever does happen is a result of one peron's choice of turn, so it never need be bad, just full of unrealized potential that could have had any other sort of causal relationships, either forward or backward.

oh, writing again. i haven't done it a lot lately. not like this, long format, more than 160 characters at a time.
it's hard for me to sum things up, obviously.
i came on here to post one sentence. and that was this.
i'd like to thank all of the little people that helped bring me to this point. (or 2 sentences) If it weren't for you, I would not be here right now and therefore I would not be able to have the future I'm about to have. Sadly, as a result of this duality, I must take my time (or talents as it may be) to more fruitful opportunities (or south beach as it may be).
time to get back to writing the future.
Out With It

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